Well – it happened. Like The Big Breakfast, signing for bills and Des Lynam’s career at the BBC, all good things must come to an end. Made in Chelsea series one is over, and they sure didn’t go quietly. An episode of tears (well, nearly, Millie), new romances and old friendships – Made in Chelsea have well and truly kept us in suspense for their upcoming series. But what does the future hold? There is no way on earth the producers of the show are going to read this, nay, pay any attention, but here is my advice to them nonetheless.
Five things I would like to see less of in series two:
1. Hugo and Spencer’s “natural and unprompted” chats that catch them off-guard in a cocktail bar. Twitchy conversations where Hugo asks a series of planted plot-propelling questions to which Spencer replies: “YAH I’M FEELING GOOD MATE - A NEW START” is not “constructed reality”. It’s not reality at all. I am yet to find a men who speak like this – if you know any and would like to prove me wrong, do get in touch.
2. Caggie and Spencer. I have sat through hours of round-about conversations, dramatic arguments by riversides and drunken professions of love to finally get one half-hearted snog on a polo field. I DON’T THINK SO. The interest in this duo has well and truly waned nation-wide. Now either keep Caggie in The Big Apple or get that new Maltese Lisa-from-Big-Brother lookalike back as Spencer’s new squeeze.
3. Agne. I’ve officially grown tired of her, truth be told. Last week, the feisty Lithuanian stormed out on Francis in an indignant rage of women’s rights. This week, she whispers: “maybe we spend time togezer” and offers her hand to his lips, like a bad scene from a period drama. I get why she was there, but she’s too ridiculous to stay for series two. I’m not even quite sure what she is. What does she do? Where did she come from?
4. Rosie and Amber. They were bound to be trouble from day one. Their comments about every single girl that crosses their path is irritating. I’m sick of their sideways glances and their stepsister giggle. It reminds me of school.
5. The in-between-scene montages of drinks being poured to denote that they’re on a night out. The in-between-scene montages of Harrods to denote that they are wealthy.
Five things I would like to see more of:
1. Cheska and Binkie. I think they’re the secret stars of the show – they’re funny, gorgeous and they don’t take themselves too seriously. Binkie’s insistence on wearing ski attire at any opportunity is totally endearing and Cheska’s menopausal-drunk-woman behaviour is nothing short of hilarious. “I LIKE THEIR BIG JUICY THIGHS!” she barked at the polo players this week. The woman’s a genius.
2. Ollie Locke. Watching his date with a rather unassuming Northerner (did he know he was on telly?) was one of his finest scenes. From asking “do you come here often?”, to revealing that his favourite film is Casper The Friendly Ghost, he acted like a total buffoon for our viewing pleasure. I want to see more of this – I want to capture every awful date he has before he becomes a pro.
3. Frederik – fast becoming Made in Chelsea’s answer to Gavin and Stacey’s Nessa, every week he pulls something new out of the bag. If it isn’t his fluency in an unrecognisable language, it’s another casual operatic extract. I’d like to see more of Frederik showcasing the many strings to his bow – he is an enigma yet to be uncovered.
4. Amber and Mark Francis being absurd together. The scene where they sat in his drawing room on thrones talking nonsense (“Kitten heels and leggings? FASHAN POLICE 999 ALART”) was like watching two rare species of exotic bird squawk at each other. When did this relationship come about? I don’t know. One minute they’ve never met, the next she’s dropping round for champagne and strawberries. This is how the world of “constructed reality” works.
5. Mark Francis’s Italian maid. Cameo of the year award. I’d like to see her as more of a Manuel figure – catchphrases, comedy falls, that sort of thing.
So – here’s where I sign off. Until series two that is. So have, like, a totes brilliant summer.