“In business and in life, you need to be the lion and the fox, simultaneously - the intimidation of the lion, the thrashing of the fox. I have ways of making money you know nothing of James.”
Somebody, please hand Francis a fluffy white, Persian cat and let’s stop pretending that Boulle Enterprises isn’t gradually taking over the world, as we re-visit this week's episode of Made in Chelsea.
“Maybe one day, I’ll be sitting in an office like this, with my plaque saying CEO,” his mini me intern, also known as James dared to dream this week as he shared his report on online dating. “There appears to be a gap in the market,” he enthused, eager to please his entrepreneurial hero, who seemed very keen to fill that gap by means of providing singles everywhere, and this is the brilliant part, with “sex tips!” Be it diamonds, dating or fine dining on park benches, Francis hopes to give his new intern an “enriching and edifying experience.”
Elsewhere, Cheska, who can’t decide whether she’s hot or cold this week, headed to Persephone Books teaming a fur collar and cuffs with flip-flops, to support her best friend and aspiring writer… Ollie Locke.
“What are you going to do for the cover?” she asked, “I’m going to be naked… in the da vinci pose,” and how, one is wondering, will he preserve his dignity, spread across the front page of a book, in the da vinci position? “That’s where you stick the little round best seller sticker,” of course. Dear God, let’s hope he shifts a few copies then.
The book itself, ‘The Truth About 21st Century Men,’ promises a primarily female audience, revelations regarding some of life’s biggest male mysteries, covering everything from erectile dysfunction to the secrets of the male mind, and in answer to the now probing question, Ollie assured a nation on edge; he is in fact “Stiff as a board.”
“But not all men are like you, you’re a certain type,” Cheska proposed to a befuddled Ollie, who couldn’t disagree more, “No,” he argued, “I think that behind closed doors, we men are all the same.” – If what he says is true, then the handsome fellow you met yesterday in the Brassiere whilst waiting for your latte, is in fact, at home, threading his eyebrows and whitening his teeth. This adds a whole new and rather unsettling dimension to dating in the royal borough.
Meanwhile, the boys were back at The Phene this week where Jamie was feeling particularly on top of the weather. “I’m basically like a cow,” he proclaimed, “I can sense when it’s going to rain,” and with that, the boys decided it was the perfect time to get out of London.
“Where’s hot right now… um’ Africa?” Proudlock suggested, who by the way, was wearing his earring this week. “Africa’s always hot isn’t it?” Jamie offered his geographical expertise, and before he could finish his “fruit salad” – also known as pimms, the champaign-swilling socialites switched the bars and brassieres of the Kings Road for the Moroccan sunshine, matching dressing gowns, and Millie in that bathing suit.
Spirits were high this week, although it seemed not everyone was soaking up the positive Marrakech vibe. It all got too much for Caggie at the poolside, “The whole Spencer thing has taken its toil on me she moaned to Millie. Poor Cagg’s, I mean, it can’t be easy having all these men in the palm of her hand. “I find the whole Alice and Proudlock thing weird,” she also confessed, adding yet another dimension to the tangled affairs.
Across the pool, “I get the impression she takes advantage of me,” Spencer told Proudlock, finally coming to the realization that if it hasn’t happened naturally between them now, it probably never will.
Meanwhile, back in Chelsea, “Who on earth invented this machine,” Ollie asks Cheska as they enjoy fondue, “you’d have to be a nutter.” Ah, there’s nothing like Ollie stuffing his face and vomiting marsh mellows to distract us from the Caggie – Spencer melodrama.
“You’ve got to be careful about what you put in your mouth,” Cheska advised before getting on to more serious topics, like the fact Binky has new friends. Shocker! “The balls in her court now” she concluded, and it’s looking like trouble for Binky if she doesn’t get in touch soon.
Ollie and Cheska weren’t the only pair missing out on the Marrakech mischief, as “team left in London,” Hugo and Rosie caught up over cocktails. “You need to stop being so…” Hugo couldn’t find the words. “Single?” Rosie and viewers across the UK offered in unison. Perhaps Rosie should join forces with Cheska in creating their own little sorority group for singles in Chelsea? Even better, I’ve heard Bluebird host speed-dating events now?
Rumours surfaced of the Roof Gardens tightening their security after this week’s episode in which Mark Francis appeared to be on the look out for a stuffed flamingo to compliment a 1920’s antique table.
“It’s like Noah’s Arc… are you feeling at home?” Mark Francis mused as he and Amber entered the London taxidermy. Apparently, taxidermy is en vogue once more darlings, I mean, if Kate Moss is doing it…
“I think it’s all road kill,” Mark presumed, “How do they find flamingo road kill?” Amber replied, undoubtedly stealing quote of the week. Indeed, how does one find flamingo road kill?
Speaking of animals, if the world’s favourite female foursome can conquer the camel in style, then so can Chelsea’s very own Dunlop duo, with their own interpretation of desert chic. “Most of the flies are attracted to you today,” Spencer posed to Cagg’s and a certain English proverb comes to mind. The poor boy just doesn’t give up.
“I love you,” he confessed this week, only to have his hopes of a reunion dashed, “all I can offer is friendship,” said Cagg’s and with that, she casually left the bar to call that old Bruno Mars-esk Parisian busker, who we all have on speed dial, in case of emergencies.
As the episode drew to a close, Binky realized just how much she had missed her best friends Cheska and Ollie, “You’re the little to pea, and I’m the pod,” but as one group reunite, another went from uncomfortable to down right awkward. “If she wants to behave the way she does, then that’s our friendship, I don’t care.” Oh Spencer!
NEXT TIME: Hugo and Millie share a civilized dinner whilst Rosie goes on the rampage. Chelsea’s cutest couple Alice and Proudlock take a romantic boat trip in the park, and Caggie perfects the art of French kissing... Literally! Will it all end in tears? Probably. Find out in next week’s episode of Made in Chelsea.
Rachael Grace is reviewing Made in Chelsea which is on Mondays, E4 at 10pm.
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