If Made in Chelsea left you with a Sloane shaped hole in your stocking last Christmas, then its return to our screens on Monday for a third series of ‘structured reality’, was probably just what you needed.
On the other hand, if like me you feel the show has run its course and should have finished on a high end note after what was a brilliantly entertaining second season, then it is going to take much more than egg cracking therapy, a hand full of newbie’s and a ‘boob party’ at Cafe de Paris, to retain your attention for the foreseeable weeks.
Needless to say, I have been wrong before. Dubious, as were many when the show returned last year for a second series, the arrival of likeable characters such as notorious ‘pardy’ boy Jamie Laing, Topshop heir Chloe Green and artist Oliver Proudlock sparked new interest and viewing figures rocketed.
Unfortunately, interest appears to have exceeded Miss Green’s rather short lived acting career, not to mention her relationship with co-star Ollie Locke. And while Chloe is probably still laying low in Monaco wondering what the hell she was thinking, Ollie proudly re-bounded back onto our screens on Monday night sporting a brand, spanking new Jaguar car.
Certainly not the type to keep a low profile since reaching the faux-celebrity status which cast members are steadily becoming accustomed to, Ollie apparently paid a few Great British pounds to have his new car customised to resemble a sort of St Georges Day float.
With his trademark wardrobe, antique table and matching fridge, it wasn’t long before Ollie bought a car and vandalised it to the same patriotic effect and if sightings of Katie Price in her pink Range Rover weren’t enough to keep the locals indoors, I fear it won’t be long before residents are witnessing hoards of teenage girls chasing the union jack clad jag along the King's Road
. It’s all very sixties.
“You might need another car for like, non-statement driving” said Richard.. who, you are wondering?
Oh that Richard – E4 soon cleared up a small production hic-cup by tweeting: “Shudda been Richard Dinan – sorry random Richard” – all very professional. Luckily I had done my homework.
Co-founder of the Phantom Card, hair rival and good friend of Ollie’s, Richard Dinan made his TV debut on Monday night and Chelsea’s very own Bridget Jones, Cheska could not have looked happier about it – the poor chap.
Made in Chelsea trended worldwide during the hour-long opening episode and scouring through the hundreds of tweets whilst Freederm Gel acne treatment and Rimmel London filled the ad breaks, the general feeling amongst fans – those aged 14-16 was a good one.
Also suitably impressed that evening was Caggie as she watched Spencer swoop over White Waltham Airfield, Berkshire flying a G-BZMT aircraft, because in Chelsea it is simply not enough to pilot a 4x4 by the age of 23.
Much to the fans delight, the pair shared a kiss during the hour-long Christmas special, although it exuded all the passion of an eight year old girl being caught in a game of kissy-cats – eyes wide open. And in the words of Bruno Mars – “Why were they open?”
Shortly after, Miss Dunlop put a little distance between the two of them; about ten thousand miles to be exact. When she flew to Australia to see in the New Year with co-star Proudlock, she and Spencer did not speak for the entire duration of the trip - “Not for his lack of trying” she later admitted to Hugo over a quiet drink in The Phene
Call me old fashioned Cagg’s, but it usually helps when one switches on their phone, no? “I guess I didn’t really want to speak to him” she pouted. I guess not.
And where does this leave ‘Spaggie’ you ask?
Two weeks after her return to the royal borough, Caggie decided it was time to come clean to Spencer about her festive holiday romance, only to find, Spencer was already well informed of her new Aussie boyfriend Joel, along with the fact that after just four short weeks, she’d had his name tattooed on her arm – a sore blow for the guy who late last year confessed his undying love for her.
Alas, along with a second sinking of the Titanic last weekend, this is one saga we can finally lay to rest. T-shirts will be exhibited on eBay for approximately one week.
In other news, Proudlock took Jamie to church this week. “I’m on my best behaviour” Jamie gloated “I just don’t want to burst into flames when I go in.” HTB as it is known to most, is short for Holy Trinity Brompton, a vibrant Anglican church nestled in the beautiful Onslow Square, renowned for the Alpha Course, an exploration into the meaning of life.
Jamie left church singing “God is greaaat” much to Proudlocks amusement. “It makes you feel good and fresh” the words reeling off his tongue, particularly as new comer Kimberley totted out of church wearing a fur and heels combo. In Chelsea, church just got sexy.
To round up a rather uneventful first episode..... Gabilicious threw a party, celebratory of the fact she can now wear low cut tops. Francis declared “Smaller boobs for everyone!” Hugo is sickeningly in love with his new girlfriend Natalie who gave him a key to her flat this week. Rosie and Victoria are still sucking lemons.
Millie landed herself a job this week – well almost. As an intern at Glamour Magazine, the socialite got a taste of what real work entailed, until Cagg’s showed up with a bottle of champagne declaring lunch hour – I give it two weeks.
Finally, producers found yet another useless spa treatment, perfect for those with no proper day job – Mark Vandelli, Victoria and Gabilicious tried Egg Therapy. I will personally be sticking to the poached variety, served with salmon at the Bluebird Cafe
Next time on Made in Chelsea
After moving in together Jamie and Spencer can’t agree on certain house rules and Hugo’s past meets the present as Millie survives her fist awkward lunch of the series.